unexplained weight loss pregnancy
At some point of time in your life.. You look back upon some of the things that happened.. And think about how good / bad things were.. Of how these events have affected you and your life, made you become who you are.. And then you feel.
I feel..
I feel a sense of lost. Of how i lost someone i barely met or have memories of, of how if that person is still alive, i would be the perfect sister to her. I miss my eldest sister who passed away when i was only one year old.
I dont know her. But i heard she loved me dearly. Everyday she would return from school, run to pick me up and call me "????".. I always wonder how anyone who hasnt mature could love their siblings so thoroughly. Cox you know siblings, they are always fighting for something with us haha. My sisters and i (total 6 of us) had our fair share of siblings fights.
Thats why i really think that Sijie is very blessed to bring up four good kids, who always lookout for each other.. The elder one will always look after the younger ones =))
Past few weeks were really hard for me. I cant say much, but it was really hard.
One of the nights i was wiping Merediths poop and i just started crying haha. People dont know will think "Omg her baby de shit got so smelly ah?!" I cried becox on one hand i am so contented and happy with my life, my baby, my husband and the people i choose to surround myself with, the family i was born into, and with the things i do for a living.
On the other hand i just wish people are kinder to each other.. Be honest, be nice.
Anyway i simply look at Meredith and feel i need to be strong for her. I need to stand up for the right things, even if i dont have to. Even if i am not the most courageous person around, I need to find courage.
Becox these are the things id wished for her, ever since i was carrying her..
For that moment when i look at her (she was happy cox somehow babies all love to have their bumbum cleaned haha), i feel so ashamed of myself that im not strong enough.
I havent been strong to stand for myself before i was expecting her.. I havent been strong enough to stand for us when i was pregnant, i am still not strong enough now.. But i will be.
I look at Meredith.. And i think of my eldest sister. The one who loved me so. The one who is not around anymore. I told my sister, in my head, that this must be how much she loved me. Maybe a different kind of
love.. But the ones who truly love you, will only want the best for you.
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And that is what i want for Meredith. I wanna be the best kind of mother she can be proud of.
I have no inheritance for her.. But i can at least impart the correct moral values to her. At least i know that that is something that will last her a long time.
But looking at how i handle things that come my way, i am too weak. Weak at heart, weak in the mind.
That time is over, anyway.
This day on i stand for myself. I stand when i want to. I stand where i want to.
Other than sense of loss, i also feel a sense of pity. Pity at how some stuff didnt turn out well. Pity at how time tells..
Pity for what could have been.
Pity for the people ive hurt that i shouldnt.. I am sorry if i was ever harsh and mean and unforgiving. You guys dont deserve to be treated that way, regardless.
I am sorry.
I guess theres really no point in throwing-back. If it was good, it lives through time.
If it is bad, its meant to look bad some day. So we can all start to throw-away instead of throwback..
I know i havent been updating the baby journal. I will. Just wanna come in to pen down this period which is extremely trying.. Good night, good people.
Do you find information about unexplained weight loss pregnancy are you looking for? If not, below may help you find more information about the unexplained weight loss pregnancy. Thank you for visiting, have a great day.
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